Not sure how long its been, not really sure what I used to write about. Here is the update.
I have been out of the Marines since december 2010, so just about 10 months now. It's been a ride. I feel like this has been the greatest year of my life in a lot of ways. First of all, my perspective has changed drastically about life. I'm happier, in general, pretty much all of the time. But my life is not perfect, and I'm sure it never will be.
Dated a nice girl for a while, but I got bored with her. I think I went into the relationship only looking for sex, and after that it was just kind of blah, but there was an unexpected twist. She didn't have any glaring character flaws, she was sweet and nice and beautiful and kind and thoughtful and really an all around great girl. I haven't really figured it all out yet, as far as why I broke up with her, but it just seemed like there was that "it" factor missing. She was too weak, she had no confidence in herself. She was a downer. She would do nice things for me and be thoughtful but I don't need that type of stuff. I'm more stimulated by conversation and thought than actions. Plus she watched Jersey Shore. I hate that crap.
On the plus side, she really got me thinking about what I'm doing with my life. Thanks to her, I'm not really interested in sexual relationships that aren't going anywhere. I want to meet and pursue the right kind of girl, one with staying power. I cared about her, authentically, but I was never in love with her. And the break up and relationship part was such an emotional wake up for me that I'm honestly not ready to get out on the singles scene again. I'm not interested in it. It sucks. But I felt bad because she was a good person, a really really good person. She deserves to be with someone that makes her happy, and while I made her happy, me and her just weren't right for each other.
This got me thinking about my expectations. Are they too high? Maybe. I think they should be high. I expect a lot of myself. I want to be very successful, and my gauge of success is, well, I'm not certain yet. I want to say self satisfaction, but that sounds really narcissistic. I think this is the key question I really have to answer before I get into a relationship. What is my measurement of success? I know its not being a wing cook at b-dubs. Or a poor college student. I'm looking for better opportunities, but I don't know where to look. I don't see any obvious open doors for me to shuffle through. I don't even know where to look for doors right now. It's like I'm at this cross road and I know I have to pick one path and stick with it for a long time and put all my time and energy into that but I just don't know which path to take.
I'm getting more in-tune with my emotions, thats for sure. I'm not angry all the time. I'm rarely angry at all. It's great. I've made good friends at work, and they are great people, hard workers and solid, trustworthy folks. I want to keep making new friends. I like that. I know how I identify myself. I'm a proud Marine veteran, dependable brother, son, cousin. I'm intelligent, I have a high capacity for knowledge and responsibility and I'm a fighter, I'm an explorer and an adventurer. I won't back down from a challenge, and I will always push myself to do the right thing. I am accountable. I'm a god damn spartan warrior.
The trouble is, I don't have any battles to fight, except college and boredom. Sometimes I feel like I'm failing if I go through the commonly accepted motions of what we should do to be a good consumer/part of society. So I've got my eyes open for the next big challenge. Road trip to anchorage next summer. It's totally fucking on. Until then, I have to stay patient, keep waiting for my chance and keep my head above water.
I always say I will try to keep this thing updated, but we both know that probably won't happen. So until next time, peace.
