Hello old friend

Not sure how long its been, not really sure what I used to write about.  Here is the update.

I have been out of the Marines since december 2010, so just about 10 months now.  It's been a ride.  I feel like this has been the greatest year of my life in a lot of ways.  First of all, my perspective has changed drastically about life.  I'm happier, in general, pretty much all of the time.  But my life is not perfect, and I'm sure it never will be.

Dated a nice girl for a while, but I got bored with her.  I think I went into the relationship only looking for sex, and after that it was just kind of blah, but there was an unexpected twist.  She didn't have any glaring character flaws, she was sweet and nice and beautiful and kind and thoughtful and really an all around great girl.  I haven't really figured it all out yet, as far as why I broke up with her, but it just seemed like there was that "it" factor missing.  She was too weak, she had no confidence in herself.  She was a downer.  She would do nice things for me and be thoughtful but I don't need that type of stuff.  I'm more stimulated by conversation and thought than actions.  Plus she watched Jersey Shore.  I hate that crap.

On the plus side, she really got me thinking about what I'm doing with my life.  Thanks to her, I'm not really interested in sexual relationships that aren't going anywhere.  I want to meet and pursue the right kind of girl, one with staying power.  I cared about her, authentically, but I was never in love with her.  And the break up and relationship part was such an emotional wake up for me that I'm honestly not ready to get out on the singles scene again.  I'm not interested in it.  It sucks.  But I felt bad because she was a good person, a really really good person.  She deserves to be with someone that makes her happy, and while I made her happy, me and her just weren't right for each other.

This got me thinking about my expectations.  Are they too high?  Maybe.  I think they should be high.  I expect a lot of myself.  I want to be very successful, and my gauge of success is, well, I'm not certain yet.  I want to say self satisfaction, but that sounds really narcissistic.  I think this is the key question I really have to answer before I get into a relationship.  What is my measurement of success?  I know its not being a wing cook at b-dubs.  Or a poor college student.  I'm looking for better opportunities, but I don't know where to look.  I don't see any obvious open doors for me to shuffle through.  I don't even know where to look for doors right now.  It's like I'm at this cross road and I know I have to pick one path and stick with it for a long time and put all my time and energy into that but I just don't know which path to take.

I'm getting more in-tune with my emotions, thats for sure.  I'm not angry all the time.  I'm rarely angry at all.  It's great.  I've made good friends at work, and they are great people, hard workers and solid, trustworthy folks.  I want to keep making new friends.  I like that.  I know how I identify myself.  I'm a proud Marine veteran, dependable brother, son, cousin.  I'm intelligent, I have a high capacity for knowledge and responsibility and I'm a fighter, I'm an explorer and an adventurer.  I won't back down from a challenge, and I will always push myself to do the right thing.  I am accountable.  I'm a god damn spartan warrior.

The trouble is, I don't have any battles to fight, except college and boredom.  Sometimes I feel like I'm failing if I go through the commonly accepted motions of what we should do to be a good consumer/part of society. So I've got my eyes open for the next big challenge.  Road trip to anchorage next summer.  It's totally fucking on.  Until then, I have to stay patient, keep waiting for my chance and keep my head above water.

I always say I will try to keep this thing updated, but we both know that probably won't happen.  So until next time, peace.

i dunno

maybe i got in over my head

maybe im too high maintance

maybe it felt like a marriage

maybe I wasnt ready

maybe I just didnt like her.

maybe I was scared.

maybe I was looking for something else

maybe I didnt want to give in

maybe I just a need a friend.

maybe I just want to hurt someone

maybe I should just be alone.

hum

I'm starting to realize the magnitude of everything I've sacrificed over the last 7 years on active duty.  What I've gained is pride and perspective, what I lost is my identity, my drive and ambition.  The love of my life, my ability to care.  I'm rolling in with a shot gun and taking it back by force.

This is the only life we get, don't fuck it up.  Don't make the same mistake twice.

I'm not going to do what you tell me anymore.  I'm going to make my own choices.  I'm gonna take my life back.

I'm going to do things my way.  I am not a drone.

this is what happiness is

I don't hate my life anymore, and I got to thinking...

Should I really get out of the Marines this year?  I can extend/re-up for 3 years and do embassy duty around the world, still get paid, still make progress on my degree and travel more.

I think I would regret passing this opportunity.

I really think that I'm going to go to a big university for 3+ years and deal with college kids?  Fuck that shit.

Maybe I can finish at a university or be set up for law school once I'm done, but this makes a lot more sense.

Counterpoint: Do I really want to depend on the marine corps any longer?

Fuck, need to give this some thought.

what do you do?

When her facebook pictures show you she is dating a huge douche bag.. and not your lifted truck bro-hem douchbag, your run of the mill wuss douche bag.  (you dumped her, so why is this so difficult?)

When a different she lives out of state and you just met a few weeks ago but you cant stop thinking about her.  And she likes you but the distance makes things impossible.
(Is it worth moving back to ohio?)

You want to do your own thing so bad that you don't see the big picture.  How am I going to sustain myself for the next 7 years getting a degree AND going to law school?  I would be 34 by the time I take the bar exam IF I don't fall behind on my school work.  There has to be a faster or better way.

What do you do when the only thing standing in your way is you?

moderation

I was just thinking that I should be more open minded and more outgoing.  More willing to try new things and be less judgmental of people.

When I see a hippie or a vegan or a liberal, I immediately begin to hate them and everything I assume they stand for.  Maybe I'm just jealous that I have no foundation or core belief in any one thing enough to center my life around it.

It's very dark and scary to go through life with no direction and no real goals.  I mean, there are things I want to do, go to law school, work as a DJ, but nothing that I really always wanted to do.

It would be easy to say the marine corps took that from me, and in a way it kind of did.  I just don't buy into the hype anymore and I'm stuck doing this for another almost year.  This feels like deja vu.  I got out before and it didn't go very well.  The situation is a little different and I've grown tremendously in the last few years.  I don't have any real debt and I'm saving at least enough to move some place and survive.

Its hard to be out going and less judgmental out here in a military community, especially when you are distancing yourself from all things military.

I've never really been in a fight.  Not a real one.  I really want to.  I think it will show me a lot about myself.

I want to have kids.  I want to raise a child of my own.  When I meet new women, I try to figure out what kind of mom they will be, how their genetics will be passed down, if they are a good match for the sole purpose of having babies.  Is that fucked up?

I wish more people followed and commented on this.  In all its anonimity, being honest with yourself out loud on the internet is really pointless if no one cares to read it.

jealousy

I want to meet new and exciting, educated and interesting people.

I think I'm placing too much stake in going to college next year when I already know most of the people are going to be massive douche bags and 19 year old know-nothing faggots.

I just want someone to talk to most of the time.  These people I'm around all the time are so boring.

Gah.